It is with a heavy heart (and a bit of embarrassment) that I admit to you all that I have become addicted to MySpace. I don’t know how it happened, I didn’t plan for it to happen but, alas, it did. When I first started my website, a friend of mine suggested I should also set up a MySpace page to promote my career but I thought, “Nah, MySpace is for annoying teenagers and pedophiles.” Neither of which am I. Honest! But speaking of pedophiles, how many times do they have to watch Dateline before they stop showing up at the freaking house? Every episode when they’re busted the reporter asks if they’ve ever seen when Dateline does the To Catch a Predator segments and most of them always answer yes and then look at the guy dumbfounded and ask, “Is this what this is?” Which is soon followed by them trying to play it off like, “Oh, I was just coming here to warn the kid not to talk to people on the internet.” Yeah, right. Then the reporter opens up their bag of goodies they brought along with them which usually consists of something like a Spongebob taffy, Scooby-Doo fruit snacks, condoms and lubricants. And that’s when they usually say something brilliant like, “That ain’t mine.” Geez, you’re busted pal. Deal with it. Ah, but I digress. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Which is I used to mock MySpace but now MySpace has made me its bitch.

When I moved back to Philly, I reluctantly decided to do a MySpace page just so it would be easier to keep in touch with my friends in Cali or those who also moved from Cali like I did. Soon I found myself looking up people I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. Some I found, some I didn’t. It became an obsessive game that I would play in my stupor of insomnia. “Um, what was the name of that kid with all the pimples in fifth grade that smelled kinda funky? I wonder what he’s up to these days.” You never know. Maybe he invested in some Clearasil and a bar of Safeguard and turned his life around. Then I discovered that a lot of celebrities have MySpace pages to keep in touch with the fans and to network. I figured well I’m a writer in the biz (yes, I am! and it’s not denial but delusion so get your facts straight, okay?) so I should add them to my pages. You know, to network. Now I can proudly count Jenna Fischer, John Krasinski and B.J. Novak of “The Office” as my friends as well as Jon Cryer, Jon Favreau and Zach Braff. Hell, even Weird Al Yankovic is my friend. Jealous? I bet you are. It’s kind of funny (and yes I guess a tad bit pathetic) that you know it has to make a lot of people in cyberspace feel special to have celebrity friends even if it is only on MySpace. They even act like friends. They never call, write, or answer any of your messages, and they won’t loan you money. But still, I bet many people out there think they just might be able to connect with their favorite celeb and end up becoming BFF with Jennifer Love Hewitt (I’ll let you know how that works out). They’re just like your real friends but better because they’re famous and your real friends are, well, not.

The most interesting (and peculiar) thing I’ve seen on MySpace so far is that sometimes merely being on it can make you a celebrity. There’s a girl on there named Tila Tequila who I had never heard of before I saw her on a lot of the celeb’s friends list. I was curious if she was anybody and went to her page. She had pictures of herself on the covers of Stuff and Maxim and videos of her on Extra, The Fuse, and being interviewed by David Spade and Tucker Carlson(!). Turns out that she is the most popular girl on MySpace with over a million (no this is not a typo) friends. She’s parlayed that into a clothing line, modeling career, and just signed a record deal. She’s even in Rolling Stone magazine’s What’s Hot issue. I have to admit I found this fascinating. I mean first people became famous because they actually had talent. Then they became famous because they ran around naked on an island and won a million dollars that they were too stupid to claim on their taxes (you were on national television you moron), and now people are becoming famous because they look good in a thong and kept adding themselves to everyone friend’s list on MySpace until finally people started to think she was, as Tila would probably say, the shizzle and began adding her to theirs. Damn, what an amazing tool this internet is, huh? I bet this is exactly what Al Gore had in mind when he invented it.

But all kidding aside, MySpace is a pretty clever marketing tool. Rock groups, filmmakers, and sports teams use it. Even cities use it. It’s nice to know that I can count the entire city of Philadelphia as my friend. To be honest, I was a little worried they might not welcome me back after being away for nine years. It has me thinking that since I am so far away from Hollywood, perhaps I can use MySpace to launch my career.

Now all I have to do is decide which looks better: the leopard skin thong or the tiger striped one…