They were able to give Pluto its walking papers and kick the poor bastard out of the Planet Club. I felt bad for the little guy but what can you do? That’s life. One day you’re a planet, and the next you’re a sphere lying in the gutter working on your third bottle of Jack Daniels wondering where it all went wrong. Now let’s focus our attention on winter. I say let’s kick it out of the seasons. If they were able to get rid of Pluto, why not winter? Don’t get me wrong, I love the Four Seasons. They were a great pop group and Vivaldi also did a nice job with his little ditty. But as for the actual Four Seasons, why be greedy? Wouldn’t three suffice? Fall, Spring, Summer. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

I mean come on. Nobody likes digging their cars out every morning as you slowly turn into a human popsicle. While you’re doing that, you’re also warming the car up but we all know it never reaches optimal toasty until you get to your freaking destination. I know some people will argue that we can’t get rid of winter because it will interfere with the Circle of Life. But what’s wrong with a Semi-Circle of Life? Why be so closed minded?

Now no doubt a lot of kids out there are up in arms right about now. No fair, they’re thinking, what about snow days? Hey, I loved snow days just as much as the next kid. I loved snuggling under those nice warm covers, snickering as mom and dad had to venture out into the frozen tundra and go to work like a bunch of suckers. But guess what, kiddies? Those school years zip by real fast and soon you are one of those suckers. And when you get into the real world there are rarely snow days unless there’s some horrible blizzard of Biblical proportions. And they don’t come around as often as you might think. Too cold outside? Poor baby, go throw on your parka and get your ass to work. Now you’re faced with either slipping and sliding on your way there or wasting a vacation day (which even though you try to convince yourself you won’t miss, you’ll be singing a different tune come summertime). Wouldn’t you rather sacrifice those snow days now for some extra fun in the sun later? Adulthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You’re gonna want—dare I say live for—those vacation days. Trust me on this one, boys and girls.  

Think about it, why do we even need winter? Summer’s nice and warm and we get to go to the beach. Spring has all those nice flowers. Fall has those pretty leaves and brisk weather. Brisk I can deal with. Brisk I like. It even sounds pleasant. It’s arctic that rubs me the wrong way. Winter is depressing. The trees are bare. The cold stings your face. It’s like death. And let’s face it, death—while great in literature and movies—not so much fun in real life. Kind of a downer. Sure snow looks pretty when it’s falling but once the traffic and canines have their way with it, it becomes like a visiting relative. You were thrilled when they arrived, but now they’re eating all of your peanut butter and chocolate Cap’n Crunch, their ass has become a permanent fixture on your couch and you just want them to go the hell home. Hey, I’m not a total ogre. We’ll let winter come around and visit at Christmas. Jack Frost can do some nose nipping, leave a little dusting of the white powder to get us all into the spirit, and do a little caroling but then it’s time for him to go on his merry way.

There’s no downside here. Think about it. No more being buried under a bunch of clothes and looking like Ralphie’s little brother in A Christmas Story. No more wondering what that numbing sensation is and then realizing it’s your entire body. No more listening to your local weather forecaster saying, “It’s cold outside today, folks. Make sure you bundle up.” No, really? A thong isn’t going to cut it? Come here so I can punch you in the face you pompous little twit. I bet you can’t even spell meteorologist much less actually be one. While we're on the subject, no one believes Chance O'Reign is your real name either.  

Let’s face it, folks. Pluto’s gonna need someone to vent to and help lick its wounds. I think Old Man Winter is just the fella to do it. It’s a concept whose time has come. Just like the day when some genius thought, “Ah, put the hot dog on the stick. Now that’s brilliant.”

I say no more winter. Who’s coming with me….?