You know who I feel sorry for? Sebastian Shaw. He’s the British actor who played Anakin Skywalker at the end of Return of the Jedi. You know, after Luke takes off Darth’s mask and he looks like a deformed Humpty Dumpty. And before anyone says anything, I’m not a Star Wars geek. I had to look up the movie on IMDB to see who the poor bastard was. At the end of the film, the Ewoks are putting on their song and dance act for our heroes (I heard they’re replacing Celine Dion when she closes her show at Caesars). Luke glances beyond all of the merriment and sees the spirits of Yoda, Obi-Wan and Anakin dressed in their Jedi robes. They’re played, respectively, by Yoda, Alec Guinness, and Sebastian Shaw.

Tonight I caught the end of Return of the Jedi on HBO. It was not only the revamped version from 1997, but it also had the new ending George Lucas tacked on for the recent DVD release. Now when Luke stares at those spirits, Yoda and Alec Guinness are still there but it’s Hayden Christensen as Anakin instead of Shaw. What the hell? Aesthetically, it doesn’t make sense. Yoda and Obi-Wan both look like they did when they met their demise, why doesn’t Anakin? Not only that but if you’re going to adopt this new logic, how come Luke doesn’t see the young Obi-Wan Kenobi instead of the geezer version? I think if you’re going to pop Hayden Christensen in there you should also stick in Ewan McGregor. After all, he had to suffer through being in those awful prequels too. Doesn’t he deserve to be in a good Star Wars movie for all his effort? Of course he does. Even if the only way to do that is to digitally insert him into an old one.

But back to Sebastian Shaw. The guy got screwed plain and simple. I looked up his credits and it was mostly stuff I've never even heard of before. Playing Anakin was his coolest role. Most likely, he was also able to milk it for years appearing at sci-fi conventions. There was probably always some geek in the crowd that would shout out, “Hey, Mr. Shaw, do your lines from Jedi!” and he would grant their request: “Cough, cough, hack, hack, Luke, cough, cough, your sister, hack, hack, cough, cough.” According to the IMDB, Shaw died in 1994. No doubt with a smile on his face knowing that his legacy as Anakin Skywalker would live on forever. Little did he realize that years later—thanks to the magic of computers, the invention of DVD technology, and the madness of King George—that legacy would be erased. Well, thirty seconds of it anyway.

I also feel bad for his relatives because you know somewhere in England a kid had to brag that his grandpa or uncle or whatever played Anakin Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The next day an angry mob of tots cornered him in the schoolyard: “Are you having a laugh? We watched the movie last night on DVD. First, Anakin’s played by some chalky Muppet, then at the very end by that wanker Hayden Christensen.” The poor kid probably got his ass kicked all over the blacktop. (Speaking of poor kids, can you please check your milk carton and see if Jake Lloyd is on it?)

All of this so Lucas could make a few extra millions by enabling the addictions of geeks all over the planet who he knows will buy every freaking version of the movies he releases on DVD. “I have to get this set too, Melvin. I heard Greedo is a slightly darker shade of green than in the previous ones.” In the end, where does this leave poor departed Sebastian Shaw? Maybe his ghost can return to recreate his role as Anakin Skywalker in that show at Caesars.

At least until the Ewoks decide to replace him with Hayden Christensen...